Today is November 9, 2009.
For many it’s the difference between before and after.
Like B.C. or A.D., it becomes a marker. Before or after a loved one died. Before or after he proposed (yay, Paul!). Before or after cancer. Before or after something was said. And what the day means, then, is change. Drastic change. What’s ahead suddenly looks so different than it did yesterday. Life, as you know it, changes.
I can feel my anxiety rising at the thought of it, but God’s words whisper through my ears, calming me...
“Surely I am with you always...” (Matthew 28:20). Before and after.
Monday, November 09, 2009
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Basking
I’ve had time today to be home. To really be home on a gorgeous fall day. This has included sweatpants and slippers, coffee, paper-reading, baking, sewing, homework. It has been glorious. I am grateful for my cozy home, and I decided to bask in it. I lit candles that I usually only light when I have company. I turned my music up really loud. I plugged in the wine bottle filled with white lights that dad made me—again, something I usually save for company—I don’t want to waste electricity after all.
I got to thinking about how so often, my home becomes just a house. During the week, I can sometimes leave at 7am not to return until 11pm. My house becomes just a filling station for sleep, food, laundry. Oh yes, and a car wash—shower. I grab the receipt for all of the above on the way out the door, knowing I’ll be back for more, as needed.
I do this with God too. I get busy. Talking with him or spending any amount of time with him becomes a rushed transaction. More Saturday night, God—don’t you worry—I’ll be at church then! I don’t bask in Him enough. Unlike my house though which is pretty immobile, God goes with us all day everyday, so there’s really no excuse. My prof was recently talking about how he thinks daily living—driving to work, talking to a friend, eating dinner—should be a form of prayer or worshipping God. It’s a hard concept to grasp because so often we set parameters and timeframes around such things. Prayer happens for x amount of minutes before bed or in the morning. Likewise, worship happens for the first 40 minutes of church on such and such day.
I want to be with God all the time though, in the way I was at home today. Basking in him in my sweatpants and slippers. Really enjoying his peace and hope.
I got to thinking about how so often, my home becomes just a house. During the week, I can sometimes leave at 7am not to return until 11pm. My house becomes just a filling station for sleep, food, laundry. Oh yes, and a car wash—shower. I grab the receipt for all of the above on the way out the door, knowing I’ll be back for more, as needed.
I do this with God too. I get busy. Talking with him or spending any amount of time with him becomes a rushed transaction. More Saturday night, God—don’t you worry—I’ll be at church then! I don’t bask in Him enough. Unlike my house though which is pretty immobile, God goes with us all day everyday, so there’s really no excuse. My prof was recently talking about how he thinks daily living—driving to work, talking to a friend, eating dinner—should be a form of prayer or worshipping God. It’s a hard concept to grasp because so often we set parameters and timeframes around such things. Prayer happens for x amount of minutes before bed or in the morning. Likewise, worship happens for the first 40 minutes of church on such and such day.
I want to be with God all the time though, in the way I was at home today. Basking in him in my sweatpants and slippers. Really enjoying his peace and hope.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Delicious ambiguity
When I moved to California, a dear friend gave me a magnet with the following quote on it (thanks, HL):
“Some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity...”
--Gilda Radner
Honestly, ambiguity tastes pretty awful to me sometimes! But this quote, still on my fridge, is a great reminder that try as we might, we simply cannot know what’s going to happen. I ended a very special relationship not knowing what it meant for my future, but believing at that moment, I needed to change. I moved to California alone not knowing what lay ahead, but confident that God was directing me—shoving me—west at that point in time. I quit a job not exactly knowing how I was going to get by financially for awhile, but knowing I needed to do it. These decisions, and there are many more, were made with lots of tears, mainly fearful tears because I was so unsure of what tomorrow would or could look like.
This morning I read 1 Corinthians 2 and was reassured by Paul’s words to the Corinthians. He says honestly,
"When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power."
The last few words hit me. He talks of a faith that rests not on my own wisdom but on God’s power. I think if we believe and rest in God’s power rather than our own, the unknown, the ambiguity, can become... delicious rather than scary.
“Some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity...”
--Gilda Radner
Honestly, ambiguity tastes pretty awful to me sometimes! But this quote, still on my fridge, is a great reminder that try as we might, we simply cannot know what’s going to happen. I ended a very special relationship not knowing what it meant for my future, but believing at that moment, I needed to change. I moved to California alone not knowing what lay ahead, but confident that God was directing me—shoving me—west at that point in time. I quit a job not exactly knowing how I was going to get by financially for awhile, but knowing I needed to do it. These decisions, and there are many more, were made with lots of tears, mainly fearful tears because I was so unsure of what tomorrow would or could look like.
This morning I read 1 Corinthians 2 and was reassured by Paul’s words to the Corinthians. He says honestly,
"When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power."
The last few words hit me. He talks of a faith that rests not on my own wisdom but on God’s power. I think if we believe and rest in God’s power rather than our own, the unknown, the ambiguity, can become... delicious rather than scary.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Loud=Good
Sometimes I think a day’s goodness can be foreshadowed by how loudly one sings in the car on the way to work. On mornings when I can’t bring myself to open my mouth—even to my current fav tune—I know it’s going to be a rough day. Sometimes I start singing along but then just can’t continue. Those days will be OK, but may need a little extra caffeine. Today, however—Friday! Pay day! Day before I-get-to-sleep-in day!—is going to be a very very good day. In fact my throat may even be a little sore from belting out James Morrison on the drive in.
How loud did you sing this morning?
How loud did you sing this morning?
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The weak will be strong
I recently had a funny conversation with some coworkers about Clifton’s Strengthfinders. This is the personality test that gives you your top 5 “strengths.” We got to laughing about how great a job Clifton does at spinning! So, for example, you can be really unmotivated and downright lazy. But Clifton may say you’re free-spirited and can’t be confined by responsibilities...or some such nonsense.
This conversation caused me to go back and look at what my “strengths” are (I had to take the test before grad school).
One of mine is ACHIEVER (begotten from mom). Clifton tells me that I feel as if every day starts at zero: “By the end of the day you must achieve something tangible in order to feel good about yourself. And by 'every day' you mean every single day-workdays, weekends, vacations. No matter how much you may feel you deserve a day of rest, if the day passes without some form of achievement, no matter how small, you will feel dissatisfied. You have an internal fire burning inside you.”
An internal fire? Yes. Yes I have that. It’s called stress! Often unnecessary stress! And I’m not sure that being unable to relax while on vacation is a good thing...a strength?! I was recently in San Diego for a few days of relaxation and had to check my work email! I mean, I make lists on SATURDAYS just so that I can feel good in checking things off that list.
Another strength is DISCIPLINE. For the record, I was the only person in my class with this “Strength” and this one also comes from mom. Thanks, mom. Clifton tells me that I need precision: “Faced with the inherent messiness of life, you want to feel in control. The routines, the timelines, the structure, all of these help create this feeling of control. Lacking this theme of Discipline, others may sometimes resent your need for order, but there need not be conflict.”
In other words, I have OCD! And I’m resented! GREAT! My underwear has to match. I need lists for pretty much darn near everything. Supposedly as a child, I wouldn’t leave for school until I made my bed (I ENJOYED making my bed). In class or church, I really need to sit in the same general spot or vicinity every time or else I feel weird. If I’m writing a letter (or another list), I have to fight the urge to completely start over if I make a mistake. Please don’t resent me.
Although not a strength of mine, another one I find very humorous is SIGNIFICANCE. Clifton says people with this "strength" want to be very important in the eyes of others. They want to be recognized. Sounds like the kind of person I’d like to hang out with!
Ok. I know people sometimes put a lot of stock into these tests, and I agree that they can be at times extremely helpful in learning how to better work and cooperate with each other. And self-awareness is a good thing. I get it. I’m just sayin’ though...Clifton, whach you be smokin’?
This conversation caused me to go back and look at what my “strengths” are (I had to take the test before grad school).
One of mine is ACHIEVER (begotten from mom). Clifton tells me that I feel as if every day starts at zero: “By the end of the day you must achieve something tangible in order to feel good about yourself. And by 'every day' you mean every single day-workdays, weekends, vacations. No matter how much you may feel you deserve a day of rest, if the day passes without some form of achievement, no matter how small, you will feel dissatisfied. You have an internal fire burning inside you.”
An internal fire? Yes. Yes I have that. It’s called stress! Often unnecessary stress! And I’m not sure that being unable to relax while on vacation is a good thing...a strength?! I was recently in San Diego for a few days of relaxation and had to check my work email! I mean, I make lists on SATURDAYS just so that I can feel good in checking things off that list.
Another strength is DISCIPLINE. For the record, I was the only person in my class with this “Strength” and this one also comes from mom. Thanks, mom. Clifton tells me that I need precision: “Faced with the inherent messiness of life, you want to feel in control. The routines, the timelines, the structure, all of these help create this feeling of control. Lacking this theme of Discipline, others may sometimes resent your need for order, but there need not be conflict.”
In other words, I have OCD! And I’m resented! GREAT! My underwear has to match. I need lists for pretty much darn near everything. Supposedly as a child, I wouldn’t leave for school until I made my bed (I ENJOYED making my bed). In class or church, I really need to sit in the same general spot or vicinity every time or else I feel weird. If I’m writing a letter (or another list), I have to fight the urge to completely start over if I make a mistake. Please don’t resent me.
Although not a strength of mine, another one I find very humorous is SIGNIFICANCE. Clifton says people with this "strength" want to be very important in the eyes of others. They want to be recognized. Sounds like the kind of person I’d like to hang out with!
Ok. I know people sometimes put a lot of stock into these tests, and I agree that they can be at times extremely helpful in learning how to better work and cooperate with each other. And self-awareness is a good thing. I get it. I’m just sayin’ though...Clifton, whach you be smokin’?
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
One phone call from our knees
Early Sunday morning, my friend got a phone call. One of the players on his high school football team had been killed in a car accident the night before. No alcohol or drugs were involved. Just four high school boys goofing off after a celebratory football victory over their rivals Saturday afternoon.
For some reason, Mat Kearney (songwriter/singer) and his current hit single “Closer to Love” instantly came to mind. The opening lines...
She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away
She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees
Every time I hear the song, I’m creeped out a bit. I find myself wondering what that phone call could be for me. What are the things that could bring me to my knees? That could take my breath away? When my friend relayed the tragic story, I envisioned the football player’s parents receiving their phone call, falling to their knees in their kitchen, wailing.
Kearney's song continues...
If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song
The one they can't take away
I'm gonna get there soon
She's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room
Prayin' oh, Lord come through
We're gonna get there soon
Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love
In an interview with "Radio Free Chicago" just prior to the release of this song’s album, Mat, a devout Christian, talked about writing for the album "City of Black and White."
He said, "I’ve finally landed in a community and invited in friends to join along. There are songs about stuff you can only write about by sticking around, getting roots—heartbreak, loss, acceptance."
After receiving the phone call Sunday morning, my friend went to the house of the football player who had died. He said that there were more than 250 friends and parents of friends from the Christian high school that this boy had attended. There they laughed, cried, prayed, hugged, and just were...together...there. He said it was amazing how this Christian community pulled together--to "shoulder the weight" of a knee-buckling phone call. And the community encouraged each other to draw closer to God. Closer to Love.
For some reason, Mat Kearney (songwriter/singer) and his current hit single “Closer to Love” instantly came to mind. The opening lines...
She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away
She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees
Every time I hear the song, I’m creeped out a bit. I find myself wondering what that phone call could be for me. What are the things that could bring me to my knees? That could take my breath away? When my friend relayed the tragic story, I envisioned the football player’s parents receiving their phone call, falling to their knees in their kitchen, wailing.
Kearney's song continues...
If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song
The one they can't take away
I'm gonna get there soon
She's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room
Prayin' oh, Lord come through
We're gonna get there soon
Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love
In an interview with "Radio Free Chicago" just prior to the release of this song’s album, Mat, a devout Christian, talked about writing for the album "City of Black and White."
He said, "I’ve finally landed in a community and invited in friends to join along. There are songs about stuff you can only write about by sticking around, getting roots—heartbreak, loss, acceptance."
After receiving the phone call Sunday morning, my friend went to the house of the football player who had died. He said that there were more than 250 friends and parents of friends from the Christian high school that this boy had attended. There they laughed, cried, prayed, hugged, and just were...together...there. He said it was amazing how this Christian community pulled together--to "shoulder the weight" of a knee-buckling phone call. And the community encouraged each other to draw closer to God. Closer to Love.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
How do I love San Diego?
Let me count thy ways...
Abby, friend of all friends
Honey’s, best muffins in town, and of course, Cesar with a wink and a compliment
HOME, where cute guy works and awesome clothes are sold
Swami’s beach, one of the best places to chill on this earth
6454 Kinglet Way, home away from home, family away from family
Grif, always happy to see me
Lucy, the only dog I love
Golden Spoon, sweet Fro-Yo
The Lagoon
And to all of the above: hold on! Here I come!
Abby, friend of all friends
Honey’s, best muffins in town, and of course, Cesar with a wink and a compliment
HOME, where cute guy works and awesome clothes are sold
Swami’s beach, one of the best places to chill on this earth
6454 Kinglet Way, home away from home, family away from family
Grif, always happy to see me
Lucy, the only dog I love
Golden Spoon, sweet Fro-Yo
The Lagoon
And to all of the above: hold on! Here I come!
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